Introduction
Grief is not a pleasant emotional experience for most people. To process grief, you must be willing to open yourself to intense feelings of anger, sorrow, confusion, depression, and so on. It’s no surprise that most people prefer to shove grief into a corner of their mind with the intent of addressing it “when they’re ready.” The basic premise of this coping strategy is that there will be an ideal or more ideal time to process a loss, big or small, which often results in that corner being the loss’s permanent home without any significant resolution.
In order to understand why unresolved grief is so common, we must first understand how grief is processed in the first place. Read on if you are interested in learning about an alternative and perhaps more accurate model that illustrates most common grief experiences.
What is Grief?
If you are like most human beings, you have most likely experienced grief whether it was for a family member, friend, pet, or even a relationship. Since mid-March of last year, the entire country has had no shortage of grief whether it be lost time with loved ones, postponed or canceled celebrations and vacations, and the general loss of a sense of security. As of this writing, 463,659 people in the United States have died from COVID-19 since the first recorded death in February last year.
This figure does not account for deaths by suicide that are related to COVID-19 in some way. In consideration of these examples, grief can generally be defined as intense feelings of sorrow and mental anguish after a loss.
It’s A Complicated Process
A popular and dated grief model is the Kublar-Ross 5 stages including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model provides a good basis for understanding common behaviors in grief. However, a common complaint is that it implies that grief is processed with a start and finish that eventually wraps up neatly in a bow when you reach “acceptance”. In lieu of convincing you that this model is “wrong”, I propose an alternate model that gives a much fuller picture of the grieving experience.
The Dual Process Model of Grief
This alternate model is known as the Dual Process model. This model suggests two distinct types of stressors that are processed throughout grief, and it does not constrain coping with grief to a set period of time. The DPM claims that there are loss-oriented stressors and restoration-oriented stressors that can resurface as time passes from the first of day of the loss. Loss oriented stressors focus directly on the loss and include tasks such as looking through old photos, remembering memories of a loved one or relationship, and “missing” whom or what you have lost.
Restoration-oriented stressors have to do with the stress of isolation and “filling” the space the loss leaves in its wake. A short list of restoration-oriented tasks includes renegotiating household chores, parental responsibilities, and changing accounts. These stressors cause oscillation between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented tasks for grieving the loss. See the figure below for a visual representation of oscillation.
While we are on the subject of the DPM, understanding this concept of oscillation is also important. If you have ever heard the expression to “walk and chew gum at the same time,” it hits the nail on the head for this concept of oscillation. Oscillation refers to the dynamic process of alternating between confronting a loss and avoiding a loss. This framework for processing grief is more balanced than the traditional model, and it illustrates the grief experience in a much more realistic way.
Additionally the DPM and oscillation makes grief accessible to someone who is processing a loss that isn’t necessarily death-related including divorce, loss of a job or career, or even a loss of a sense of security as we have all experienced throughout the pandemic. If you would like more information about all things grief, check out this educational blog here.
In Conclusion
Grief does not have a time table, and it doesn’t ask permission to cause gut-wrenching emotional pain. If you or someone you know has recently suffered a loss, consider meeting with a professional with special training and expertise in this area. Remember that grief is messy, and it’s okay to not be okay.
Prism LGBTQ+ Counseling-LLC is available to assist with grief and loss issues. You can reach out using the contact information posted below.
