Cheating is more or less universally frowned upon. So why is it that most people have different answers for what constitutes as cheating? To be clear, I’m not talking about cheating on an exam in school or cheating on taxes. The cheating I am referring to is about infidelity and broken trust. To return to my initial question, there are certainly obvious examples of cheating that have been portrayed in media. Usually, the first example that comes to mind when I think of cheating is a physical encounter that someone has with somebody who is not their primary partner and intentionally conceals it. However, I find that issues of affairs and betrayal trauma are not usually so clear as the example listed above.
What is considered to be cheating?
Normally at this point in my writing I would have set a clear definition of what infidelity is or isn’t. I have intentionally resisted the temptation to do so because cheating is relative to the relationship in question and the rules that couple has established within that relationship. No two couples have the same rules about what they might consider cheating. A good time to get that hammered out so that each part of the couple is on the same page is at the very beginning of the relationship. Have a conversation with your new significant other and leave no room for interpretation for what are deal breakers, especially where cheating is concerned. As I mentioned earlier, cheating is not ok with most people, but that shouldn’t be a reason to assume your new boo has the same values about cheating that you do. DO NOT ASSUME!
Let’s just look at a few potential gray areas that aren’t as straightforward as the first example of cheating I gave earlier. There are couples who mutually enjoy sexual encounters with multiple partners. For example, there are couples who may enjoy the occasional “threesome.” Establishing the rules of engagement BEFORE the encounter as well as keeping open and honest communication during and after is crucial. If couples go into this situation without discussing what is ok and not ok (Is kissing allowed? Are both or either of you allowed to be penetrated?), then it is a recipe for disaster and can cause breaches in trust just as easily as cheating can.
Communication is key
What if we take sex out of the equation entirely? Is it possible to be unfaithful to your partner or spouse even if you never meet a third party? This comes down to individual values that need to be front and center at the beginning of a new relationship to avoid issues later. For example, some people might consider viewing pornography and masturbating as an act of infidelity. Many other people wouldn’t blink an eye at the thought of their partner watching porn. Some couples may even enjoy incorporating porn into their own love making and find that it enhances their experience. TL;DR, Every couple has unique shared values and none of them are “right” or “wrong” until the couple weighs and discusses the issue. As with most couple’s issues, communication is key to avoiding unnecessary suffering, so speak up!
Check out the video below for more information on this topic.
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